It’s 11:34 a.m. on Passover. Is it too late to invite another guest to the seder?
A Passover conundrum
A couple of our beloved guests for first-night seder dropped out this morning, due to a lingering cold. That leaves our numbers a bit light, and we have plenty of food. So I wracked my brain for that next family to invite, and I thought of one: an old college friend, who just moved back to the area with his wife, and now has a new baby. He’s Jewish, his wife isn’t, we haven’t been in close touch, and I have no idea the religiosity level of his family. But I thought, who doesn’t love a seder invitation?
Then I thought: will he be offended that I have invited him so late? Will he correctly surmise that he got the invitation only because somebody else dropped out? Am I actually insulting him with this last-minute invitation?
I struggled with this question for a while, as I sat outside my hot-yoga studio (hot yoga: a post for another day).
But then I thought, What the heck? Better to invite someone than not. So I texted him and invited him, his wife, and his baby.
As it turned out, even our early start time was a bit too late for the baby’s bedtime routine, which I totally understood. But the invitation put me back in contact with an old friend, and I don’t think he was the least bit offended. And if he was, I stand by my decision. When in doubt, invite.
I’m still not totally sure I am right about this, of course. Your thoughts are welcome.
My favorite magazine piece of the last 12 months was by one of my favorite writers ever, David Sax. His book The Revenge of Analog, about why we keep coming back to “old-fashioned” things like records, books, watches, and stationery, is pretty much my bible (although I like the actual Bible, too). And in November he wrote a piece for Tablet called “It’s Time to Show Up,” in which he said, in part,
Judaism requires presence. In fact, it commands it. That’s the point of a minyan, a Seder, a Birthright trip, a shiva, summer camp, and everything else we hold dear as Jews. But for two-and-a-half years we allowed people to detach their physical selves from being Jewish. We did it first out of necessity, and a sacrificial sense of mutual safety. In those years, I attended online baby-namings, weddings, bat mitzvahs, shivas, and services for every conceivable holiday. I arrayed two laptops at strategic angles by the Seder table, so each side of the family had an equal view. I participated in online Jewish food conferences, streamed Israeli movies from film festivals, and sat at home, alone, watching other Jewish cultural events. I helped my kids attend virtual weekly Jewish school for a few weeks, until it proved too much. I did what I had to do, but the crisis is now over, and here we are, still offering the remote option.
But enough is enough. For those of us who can, it is time to show up.
Why? Because who are we, the Jewish people, if we stop showing up? Are we a race? A set of loosely linked DNA molecules who consume a dairy product shmeared on a gluten product, neither of which we can digest properly? Being Jewish is being there, wherever it is you feel Jewish. To actually go and experience, be with other Jews, face to face, shvitzing in the same JCC steam room together, in a way you can’t just digitize, dial up, or stream through a headset you strap onto your face.
Go read the whole piece. And think about that when you are present with others at the seder tonight. I don’t think he’s being un-compassionate; he’s not shaming those who are still terrified of COVID. What he’s saying, among other things, is that if we stay terrified of COVID, justly or not, we’ll lose Judaism. It’s not built to survive online.
Come to think of it, neither are we.
Have a zissen Pesach! Chag sameach! Happy Passover!